Intro to Dining Etiquette

How to Teach Your Kids Proper Table Manners

In the 1960s, my mother hosted elegant cocktail parties filled with martinis, deviled quail eggs, and orange-on-pink raw silk fashions. Her attention to detail extended to our family dinners, where impeccable table manners were non-negotiable. A single lapse—like slouching or misplaced elbows—would result in a sharp reminder.

“Get your elbows off the table.” “Sit up.” “Put your napkin on your lap.” These were her staples. My favorite? “Don’t use your fingers to push peas onto your fork!” Out of sheer frustration, she bought me a “pusher.” If you’ve never seen one, look up “antique silver food pusher.” That humiliating contraption worked—I shaped up fast.

Determined to raise polite children, she passed down her 1961 copy of Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers by Walter Hoving. By the time it reached me, the youngest, my siblings had already mocked its contents. But I read it over and over, fascinated by its strict rules and humor.

The fact that her needling had backing from Tiffany’s CEO left an impression. I don’t know what I was preparing for, but the advice stuck. Now, with the 50th Anniversary Edition in 2011, my daughters each own a copy. To my delight, it still includes some of my favorite mom-approved rules.

Here’s the thing about table manners – unless you’re a very young child, nobody notices you have them unless you fail to display them. So, I thought I’d share a few of my favorites that may be less mainstream but nonetheless worth knowing, at least in my view:

Salt & Pepper Shaker

The salt and pepper are meant to be passed together, even if only one is requested. They’re a pair, and they don’t like to be separated.   Don’t assume that everyone knows this rule, so when you want just one or the other, ask for them both and spare your less-informed dining companions from committing a faux pas.

Silverware

At a dinner party with multiple pieces of silverware—like three forks and two spoons—you can bet there will be more than one course! The silverware usually follows a simple rule: start with the utensil farthest from the plate and work your way inward with each course.

Sometimes, silverware is arranged by size instead. If you’re unsure, just watch your host or hostess and follow their lead. In restaurants, this isn’t usually an issue. The waiter typically brings the appropriate fork, knife, or spoon for each dish.

If you make a mistake, don’t worry! Just keep eating. Most people won’t notice unless you draw attention to it.

(Side story: When my kids were young, I was thrilled if they used anything other than their hands at mealtime. It became such a struggle that we took them to an Ethiopian restaurant, thinking they’d love eating with their fingers. Instead, my six-year-old freaked out when I said there were no forks. No spoons. Not even a spork. Thankfully, the staff found a plastic utensil, and she managed to eat enough to survive another day. Kids—they always keep you guessing!)

Table Glasses

Back to the dinner party: your water is to your right, and your bread is to your left.  Here’s how you remember, so you don’t garishly sully your dining companion’s water glass with your lipstick or chapstick or cooties or whatever:  as you contemplate which way to reach for what, make an “OK” sign with each of your hands.

You’ll note that your left-hand looks like a small “b,” and your right-hand looks like a small “d.”  The B (on your left hand, hence left) stands for bread and D (on your right hand, etc.) stands for drink.  Got it?

Talking & Chewing

Here's a big one at our house: "Don't talk with food in your mouth." It seems obvious, but it's easier said than done (no pun intended).

Early on, we established the routine of having dinner as a family so that we could catch up on each other's day and just spend time together. So the two activities are talking and eating. But you can't do them at the same time?

Try explaining that to a 5-year-old who's itching to be excused from the table anyway.  Whether or not it makes sense is beside the point; it’s just gross.  So adults, think before you speak, then swallow and proceed.

One hint from Tiffany: Take small bites. Then, your companions won't have to wait long for you to finish chewing before sharing your next witty insight.

Elbows

A final favorite (though I could go on and on) is to pay attention to your elbows. They should not rest on the table while eating, although it’s okay to rest them there while talking.

And keep them by your sides, don’t have them sticking out as you cut your meat as you are likely to clock your dining companion in the ear.  Whatever you do, don’t sling them over the back of your chair—enough said.

Final Thought

One final thought – there are countless benefits to eating dinner as a family, and one of them is that it provides a forum to teach your children about any manner of things, including manners.  It makes them and us a better company.

Here's a great infographic describing some of these tips and a few more important to learn and teach your kids.

And Now a Little Bad Table Manners Humor